{Can't Shake The Feeling...}

(During the Great Depression, photographers travled from NY to California hitting every town along the way. Their camera captured the stories of desperation, depression, and the break down of human society. These are a few I can relate to...)

It finally caught up with me. After a rough year, a rough move, a rough pregnancy, and a rough day, I threw myself a well deserved pity party. To sum things up, the job hunt isn't going well. There are plenty of CNA jobs out there, the problem is no one wants inexperience. Not to mention, thanks to our crappy government who is taking their sweet time getting Ryan's CNA license to us, no one wants him without his license number. So, we're going into our 4th month of no income...

Yeah.

And to make matters worse, my body aches in every inch of every joint. So sleeping is impossible.

Which is, as you migraine sufferers know, just asking for a miserable headache.

So after venting to some good friends, and my mom, I just felt worse. My body ached, my head throbbed, and my kids, of course were being difficult. I put them to bed early. It was either that or go on a shooting spree.

Not here. But somewhere. Hmm, I need to get out now!

Seriously, how much can one person take??

I drug myself off the couch. got into my car and hit Sonic for dinner.

(Hey, gotta cheer up myself some way, right???)

I ordered my favorite off the value menu, yuck, but at least its something.

I drove into a neighborhood close by, which are only million plus dollar houses of course, talk about salt in the wound, parked out front one of the prettiest and ate, thinking about how hard I have it. I imagined the family who lived there, what kind of car(s) were in their garage, and hated them every second longer I stayed.

Than, I imagined them coming out of the house and pounding on my car window, demanding I leave, got nervous and left.

'Hmm, where to go, where to go?? I can't go home, I'm so sick of being in my brain right now.'

I know! I'll hit the Walmart. We need diapers and Tylenol for this migraine.

As I pull up, I am frightened by this homeless man I see wandering near the entrance of the store. He's dirty, talking to himself, and scary looking. Probably high, I'm sure.

'Gah!!, Now what?? Should I still go in? What if he talks to me? What if he grabs me? Alot of these people are unstable....hmmm, better go in anyways. Ryan will start to wonder why I've taken so long...'

Gather my things, quickly in and out, that's the trick! I make a mental note to mention this maniac to someone inside, maybe they can do something??

'What is a homeless man doing around here anyways? The cars parked in the lot cost more than we made last year...oh wait, I guess I could be considered homeless....hmmm better not judge, better press on Lynette.'

I got in and out with no problem. In my car, no problem. Around the corner, no problem...oh wait..

'Crap, is that him on the corner? Standing next to me?? I can't breathe...panic panic.'

The man left me alone. I got home safe. While in the shower later that night, I couldn't shake an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself all day....I wrap myself into a clean towel, put on clean clothes and lay in a warm clean bed, pulling our new comforter up to my chin.

Gezz. I'm a terrible person...

This man will probably pass out somewhere in a gutter after he comes down off his high. He'll awake starving and thirsty, and hungry for satisfying his unquenchable addictions.

And I thought I had it rough...